Alcohol and smoking experts

The Spectator has created a guide to experts for the under-10s. I don't agree with every word of it, but the bits about the 'public health' racket are amusing...

Alcohol experts

Sometimes grown-ups like to have a drink with friends or when watching box-sets. This is dangerous and you should ask Mum and Dad to consult the Department of Health guidelines before drinking alcohol. These special rules are drawn up by experts at ‘the Institute of Alcohol Studies’ and ‘the Alcohol Health Alliance’ or ‘the Modern Temperance Movement’ for short.

Now that vicars are not very popular, the Department of Health provides moral guidance about the problems of alcohol. These experts have replaced the word ‘evil’ with the phrase ‘negative health outcomes’. This is not catchy and explains why most people still ignore them.

Smoking experts

Everybody knows that smoking is bad for your health. So why do some grown-ups still smoke? Experts have concluded that people who smoke have different brains. They are unable to think for themselves and easily tricked by shiny packets and glossy advertising.

Anti-smoking experts know that smokers need to be lectured, scared and made poorer to stop them smoking. Although lots of smokers have started vaping instead, experts are committed to their campaign. Next, they plan to stop the packets being shiny. Experts understand people’s brains and shiny things.