The ice cream van menace

From the Irish Independent...

A government politician has called for ice-cream vans to be regulated.

But of course! How have these purveyors of toxic, addictive sugar escaped the watchful eye of the public health racket for so long?

Fine Gael senator Catherine Noone today warned that the "persistent use of chimes" of ice cream vans represent an "aggressive form of selling".

What could be more aggressive that the persistent use of, er, chimes?

Speaking in the Seanad, Ms Noone admitted that her call for regulation will be met with humour.

You know what they say, Ms Noone. First they laugh at you, then they fight you, then they kick you out of office for being a meddling ratbag.

But she said the impact of these vans on obesity among children is very serious.

"As I talk about it, it does seem frivolous on the face of it. But it relates to an issue of pester power," Ms Noone said.

I quite like the way that she knows that she's blathering nonsense as she says it and yet manages to overcome her pangs of sanity to continue.

"The reality is children are very interested in sugar and very addicted to it in lots of instances. It's not that I'm anti-ice cream but the persistent use of chimes in public streets and in estates is an aggressive form of selling and it wouldn't be countenanced in any other industry."

They're travelling salesmen, Ms Noone. The alternative is that they knock on the door. Knocking on every door would be a less efficient (and more "aggressive") way of selling ice cream, but that is what they would have to do if you ban chimes. Then, of course, you would have to ban knocking on doors.

Loyal readers will recall Catherine Noone from last month when she talked about banning products that contained more than 20 per cent sugar (eg. sweets). Rumour has it that Ireland's unpopular and overweight nanny-in-chief, James Reilly, will soon be losing his job and has introduced plain packaging as a final farewell, knowing that he won't be around to clear up the mess.

Senator Noone—who says she is "personally disappointed that after three budgets we have failed to implement a meaningful fat tax [and] a meaningful sugar tax"—seems to be positioning herself as the Emerald Isle's number one public health nutcase in his absence. Fun times ahead.