Saturday, 10 July 2010

Britain speaks its brains

The government's Your Freedom website is the gift that keeps on giving. If the coalition achieves nothing else, at least it will have brightened our lives with this project. You can learn a lot from this website. Mainly, you can learn that people in the UK are very bad at spelling and have some rabid opinions. For example:

I think that the price of beer should be put up to a extreme amount!! my reason being is that is more trouble than its worth! now days you need to smoke outside, whitch means as soon as the outside hits you, you feel more drunk and thats when the trouble starts!! most of the trouble now days are caused by alcohol. ie; gun crime, fights, stabbing, bottling! i dont think its fair when someone is drunk and in need of a ambulance due to there own alcohol abuse, while there attending drunks someone else were really does need that health care and could may well die!! i think them that do drink and are in need of health care shoul PAY!!! ALSO i think its disgusting that alcoholics get paid to drink!!! i have to go to work everyday and the government pays ppl to stay at home and get drunk!! im disgusted by that law!! [etc.]

Hanging and flogging gets mentioned fairly frequently. By this bloke, for instance, who still misses the Gulags...

Hard Labour for criminals

Dangerous and recidivist criminals should be hanged. Those that are left should be sent to work camps. A simple ration of water and stale breads (yesterdays from bakers) to all. Slighlty better food to thos ewho work. No TV, no ping pong, just a bible at night. Longer sentences, reducable only to those who work very hard over a period.

Clearing derelict land, brownfield sites, clearing litter, and labour job from dawn ot dusk, then the cell.

It is crazy that we feed and give heating and tv etc etc to scum who attack or rob us. The answer is very simple. Work them till they drop.

A number of people really don't like caravans:

Nice and simple one, caravans are evil, the clog up the roads and cause accidents. For the safety of people in the UK they should be banned from UK roads. The only caravans should be the large non transported ones.

People of Britain, stand up for your health and safety and get these monstrosities off the roads.

Perhaps that came from Jeremey Clarkson, who features elsewhere on the site:

Repeal Jeremy Clarkson

The BBC is funded by a television tax, which inflict grossly overpaid state 'entertainers'. 1.2 million people are expected to be made unemployed because of government cuts - cutting Jeremy Clarkson would save the annual salary of about 100 workers.

He is first on the list, because of his gross offensiveness, which we pay for. Others to follow soon after.


You pay him to

- Joke about murdering prostitutes on state TV

- Drive 186mph on public roads - and be totally shameless about it

- Express his gay rights position on state TV as "I demand the right not to be bummed"

As you will have noticed, there are a lot of people asking for new laws to be made—not quite the intention of the website—but I like the way this person gives the benefit of the doubt to people who eat and cough in theatres...

Criminalise using mobile phone during theatre performances

The freedom to enjoy theatrical performances is now routinely impaired by users of mobile phones, unwrappers of hard candy and coughers. On the grounds that the second may be hungry and the third ill let's focus on the first.

Some suggestions are clearly facetious...

Bring back Marathon bars - Snickers is an ugly name
Increase the amount of days in a week

But some start off sounding like a joke and then you wonder if they might really be serious...

Replace Cars With Penny Farthings

Cars cause pollution - penny farthings don't. Plus compulsory use of PFs would result in far fewer accidents - you have to concentrate really hard to ride a PF. And you can't go very fast.

We have to do SOMETHING about road congestion and pollution. I say return to Victorian values with the penny farthing.

Make it illegal to be fat

Quite a tender topic. Yet it is a widespread problem across UK, and other well off countries for that matter.

I think we should follows Japan's example, who made it illegal to be fat in 2005 [are you quite sure about that? - CJS]. Same thing should be done in UK before it's too late.

Some people are asking for the legalisation of things that are already legal:

Equal Pay and tax credit

I would like a law passed that will allow women to earn the same pay as men in the same job function.

Right to marry at 18

Freedom to speak in Welsh

Laws need to be introduced to allow Welsh mother tongue speakers to speak in their language in their own country.

And personal obsessions abound...

Repeal the law that allows people have to have more than two dogs [not sure there is a specific law for that—CJS]

There are two many dogs, and they are too much of a strain on the enviornment - eating food (when people in poorer countries are starving) and contributing to global warming. To start with, we should limit people to one large or two small dogs, unless they are guide dogs or working dogs.

Engineer to mean Engineer

Make the title of being an "Engineer" only available to professional Engineers. By that I mean, to be an Engineer and call yourself, one must have the right level of education and be a member of an accredited institution.

Legalise sex with animals

Why should two beings involved in a loving bi-species relationship be punished? I am a zoophile and I feel that I am unfairly criminalize for my sexual persuasion. It is unjustifiable to prevent consensual sex between species.

As a zoophile I can think of no other group of people who love animals more than those in sexual relationships with them. Human beings slaughter animals for food legally, yet we punish those who love animals.

A commentator pointed out a small problem with that last one:

Should be legal so long as consensual, which is difficult to determine with animals.

Apparently there is such a thing as a topfreedom movement...

Women should be free to go topfree

Topfreedom is a cultural and political movement advocating recognition of the right of women and girls to be topless in public on an equal basis to those of men and boys, and assisting women who have been charged for being topless.

Amen to that, but I'd be interested to find out whether these 'topfreedom' campaigners are predominantly men or women.

This bloke wants us to be more like 'civilised' North Korea...

Ban the law that says it's 'ok' to have a firearm

A gun is a license to murder. That's all they are for. In 2009, 60 people died to gun violence alone. It's time to follow the route of civilised countries like China, North Korea and Turkmenistan and have a TOTAL ban on guns and a 10 year jail sentence for those who have them.

And this guy wants to create a bona fide police state to save a few quid...

Merge our police force and our army into one.

We can save money on training and uniform. By doing this, if a disaster or a emergency happens their will be no difference in training or skills which will save time and make communication better.

But my absolute favourite has got to be this gloriously spelt demand:

Restore our right to bare arms.

Wonderful stuff. Well done Britain.


Anon1 said...

I think the first entry was in need of an ambulance at the time of writing :)

“Restore our right to bare arms.”
Make short-sleeve shirts mandatory, I say.

Chris, that was all hilariously disturbing!

Dick Puddlecote said...

The firearms one is surely satire ... isn't it? :-~

PT Barnum said...

My own personal favourite from recent entries:

Make It Illegal To Break The Law

Basically, a simple change in the law that makes it illegal to break the law. This could be easily enforced because the police would already be arresting the criminal for breaking the law that they broke, but now breaking that law is a law breaking offence in itself! Double whammy, lawbreaker!

This is frankly the first thing that the house should consider doing. Although there should be a limit on how many times you break it in one sitting. For example if I break the law, then under this new law that would be illegal and I would have broken the law, which under this new law would be illegal and I would have broken the law, which under this new law would be illegal and I would have broken the law, which under this new law would be illegal and I would have broken the law, which under this new law would be illegal and I would have broken the law, which under this new law would be illegal and I would have broken the law, and so on and so forth. Maybe a cap of five times?

DaveA said...

Chris you may want to get over to Liberal Vision sharpish, they are discussing The Spirit Level. Given you a plug.

Anonymous said...

There are probably a multitude of reasons that so many people avoid using the internet, despite its ever growing predominance.

I'm sure that one of the main reasons is that an astonishing number of even otherwise well-educated people can't adequately spell or structure a simple sentence.

A woman I work with sits in the break room every day reading popular novels. She also sends me emails everyday and she writes like she's nine years old.

Lawson said...

I can't help thinking that it is a deliberate attempt by Nick n Dave to prove that we are all too stupid to be allowed a say in how our laws are managed. The original wiki, set up by Carswell and Hannan, doesn't seem to suffer to the same degree as the HMG pisstake.

Anonymous said...

This was the most hilarious thing I've read in many years, including the comments. I did laugh out loud.


Dr Evil said...

I don't know how old or young these illiterate shits are but regardless, it is a woeful indictment of our education system (and even more embarrassing if I make a stupid mistake in this rant). :-)

banned said...

Thanks for taking the trouble to root these examples out. No soubt the MSM will be filling their columns with such amusement in the coming months.

PT Barnum said...
My own personal favourite from recent entries: Make It Illegal To Break The Law.

Isn't that covered by ASBOs?
"You are guilty of chucking bricks at Mrs Smith, we sentence you not to throw bricks at Mrs. Smith again or you really will be in trouble".

Clive said...

Many of those suggestions exceed the limits of credulity, forcing the conclusion that they are parodies.

However, there's no obvious distinction between absurdity for amusement's sake, and disruption for ideological motives. It's plausible that some people, residing somewhere between CIF and UAF on the political map, deliberately posted nonsense to bring the entire exercise into disrepute.

Unless the Repeal web site was advertised in one of the baser tabloids (one more like The Sun than The Daily Mail), complete with an editorial encouraging its readers to participate, I don't believe it would occur to people who genuinely hold such ill-conceived ideas to place them online.